The Art of Forgiveness: How I Broke Free from Self-Destruction and Found Clarity

Forgiveness isn’t a thought. It’s the moment you stop judging yourself — for what you felt, what you did, or what you allowed.

Maybe it begins right here: in recognizing that everything that happened was guiding you into greater awareness.

But how do you truly open yourself to this deep inner release?

The Loop I Didn’t See

For years, I believed I had to make everyone else happy in order to feel safe, valued, and needed. Along the way, I ignored my own needs.

I became an expert at taking care of others — but not myself. And that made me the victim of my own unconscious patterns.

I tolerated too much, set no boundaries, and then grew “suddenly” angry because everything was already far beyond what I could carry. I ran away, disconnected from myself, and convinced myself that this was normal — that I simply needed a thicker skin.

And so I stayed stuck in the same old cycle: extremes & self-betrayal — enduring & overworking — escape — self-judgment — shrinking — back to extremes.

Losing My Sense of My Own Power

I distracted myself from feeling. Through self-denial, I slowly lost my connection to my own inner logic and self-efficacy.

Back then, I had no idea how humans actually create their reality.

I kept spinning inside my inner carousel of guilt and fear, never realizing that I was split inside — my inner parts fighting each other instead of working together.

There was no inner trust, no cooperation between my thoughts and my emotions. And I didn’t stand with myself because I didn’t recognize myself.

The Breaking Point

Then came the breaking point — after one last dramatic fight with my very last narcissistic ex. I was completely done. With that pattern. With myself. With everything.

I felt torn, misunderstood, self-judgmental, exhausted, confused — horrible. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore.

Either I would break through this pattern now, or I would never live a joyful, grounded, delicious life.

Meeting My Higher Self

So I went searching for myself. Back than through a kind of hypnosis, I connected with my Higher Self and asked what the hell was wrong with me.

And the answer was disarming:

I had spent my whole life trying to be a better boy — in a girl’s shape. But I also never had a true feminine role model to learn from.

Which meant I had to become my own inspiration. My own hero.

The Inner Wedding

And I had that vision: My right and left brain hemispheres connected in the middle —and I understood that they were my masculine and feminine sides.

They met in the middle, lit up in blue-white light, and celebrated a wedding.

And honestly —after all the weddings I have planned in my life —this one was the greatest union of all.

A New Inner Balance

From that moment on, something changed.

I began to feel clarity and balance like never before. I could think things through calmly, and my feelings guided me to my truth.

I started seeing and speaking my own truth —the one that arises from the harmony between heart and mind.

Even my breath changed. My movements changed. Everything inside and around me became more fluid, balanced, and pleasurable.

The fear dissolved —especially the fear of myself.

Understanding the Larger Purpose

With this inner balance came strength and trust.

I finally understood why all the pain had been necessary:

We are embodied consciousness learning through experience. We live in a reality shaped by duality. And at some point, one side becomes enough, and we naturally turn toward the other.

Light moves through darkness to recognize itself as light. And it accepts the darkness because without it, it would not shine.

Everything happens for the evolution of consciousness.

Everything happens for us  —and becomes reality through us  appearing in its own time,

at the level we are ready to witness.

That’s why we can make peace with everything we have done, felt, or thought. Because there are explanations for everything. There is nothing without meaning.

The Choice We All Have

We can keep repeating the same cycle over and over again —staying dependent, reactive, and hooked on the familiar taste of the fear-and-guilt cocktail our bodies produce.

Or we can choose courage —to walk into the grey fog and find ourselves there.

Peace means being okay with everything that is — inside and outside. With everything we have created on our own and together.

And with everything others did — or what we believe they did.

Bringing Light to the Shadows

We can shine light onto what hurts so it can return to the light.

When we’re balanced, we can perceive more, stand stronger, and even try on someone else’s shoes.

With eight billion (official) humans here, there’s so much to learn as we expand our consciousness.

It takes a strong light to illuminate all the tunnels inside us and across this planet.

Ideally a light that each former victim finds within — because only self-generated light can keep generating itself.

Descending Into the Rabbit Holes

Strengthened by my inner light, I climbed down into the rabbit holes of our world.

By understanding my own inner dynamics, I finally found the beginning of an answer to the question that had haunted me:

How did this world become so harsh? How did humanity become so disconnected from itself and from each other?

Comfortable numbness helps you bear the battle — but it never lets your life bloom.

Love or Fear

I realized that every action we take comes from only two places:

Love— focused on the highest good, including our own —

or fear and scarcity, which leads us to steal energy because we believe we are not enough,

often from people who feel needed, important, or valuable when they give too much.

We have all been here:

When we face fear unconsciously, we react from a low frequency and attract more of the same.

When we recognize this pattern, we start understanding the lessons our soul designed for us.

We cannot bypass our mistakes —only move through them.

Conscious Evolution

Yesterday, my consciousness was lower so that today it could expand. Height is born from grounding.

Depth is born from the dark.

We must experience, feel, and understand in order to build consciousness inside us.

When we open to each other's perspectives, we add them to our own and meet ourselves on new levels.

When we choose to accept others as fully as we accept ourselves, we can learn from each other without needing to suffer every lesson directly.

And once we moved through the collective pain we meet on the path toward shared strength, we make room for new things:

natural unfolding, meaningful and relaxed creating, and a joyful life on our beautiful Mama Gaia that holds us all.

We create a world built on depth, openness, and trust —a world where ease and self-recognition can finally flow.

A Living Library

Our story stays written in our cells. Its wisdom will support us, future generations, and other beings across the universe.

Earth and humanity are like a living library in the creation of consciousness.

Everything is part of this endless game of life, a game we cannot leave — only shape.

And the only thing that truly exists is the here and now.

So enjoy it.

All of it.

In Love & Luminousity Marieke